Unlikely results that would see Chelsea relegated as Lampard is yet to pick up a point

Chelsea, who won the European and Club World Cups two years ago, are not yet mathematically safe from relegation to the Championship.

Stop me when this gets too ridiculous. Next Tuesday, atoning for the mess they made in Manchester, theoretical title-chasers Arsenal beat the team at the bottom of the Premier League form table.

 Then Bournemouth and Nottingham Forest, both "fighting for their lives", therefore "not to be taken lightly", despite not being terribly good at football, record narrow wins against less motivated opponents.

In the 12 days that follow, Manchesters City and United each win at home against the same opponents, who they beat (City) and drew with (United) away previously this season.

On the final day, Newcastle United need a win in London for Champions League qualification. They secure it. A national day of celebration is declared in Saudi Arabia, where Eddie Howe is paraded through Riyadh on the shoulders of local well-wishers, Dan Burn gets 33 thoroughbred racehorses and a skyscraper is dedicated to Sean Longstaff.

You were probably with me until the final sentence, which makes you a believer in Chelsea’s unlikely path to no more points. This would leave them on 39, an ominous number. Forty points = safety is one of the unshakeable beliefs in English football, impervious to time or pointing to the actual number required to stay up. 

Thirty nine would have been enough in all bar three of the seasons since the top flight was reduced to 20 teams for 1995-96. And yet in Chelsea’s present state, the unthinkable seems alarmingly possible.

This is a team who have forgotten how to score and draw, let alone win, and Frank Lampard is talking darkly about mass losses of confidence. The plan, if you can call it that, was seemingly to bring him in as a steady hand with the gravitas to motivate top-level players. 

Certainly he should have been an improvement on Bruno Saltor, perhaps the most reluctant Premier League manager ever. But as a motivational tool, Lampard has been about as successful as the old Craven Cottage statue of Michael Jackson. And about that steadiness: Lampard’s record at Chelsea so far is played five, lost five, conceded nine, scored one.

His Brentford post-match interview was a grim watch (relive the horror show below), which really should have included a helpline number if you were affected by any of the traumatic issues raised: squad balance, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, Brentford being good at throw-ins.

It was miles from the reliably smiling Lampard of goal compilations and Stamford Bridge banners, a fundamentally un-hapless man. Now, mere weeks into his third go round at the country’s most exhausting club, he looks so downbeat it is like he unwinds after a long day at Cobham with the complete works of Lars von Trier.

Not content with defying the wise cliche to “never go back” in 2019, Lampard has now done it twice, and both times as a sort of human shield. Never go back? Nonsense, keep going back. If at first you don’t succeed by going back, go back again.

Despite Todd Boehly making it rain with midfielders instead of banknotes, the picture at Chelsea is no less complicated than Lampard’s initial transfer-ban stint. This time fans will not be placated by a former hero failing upwards, although perhaps Boehly could swing it with the Government in time for the Forest game and bring out Roman Abramovich for some half-time kick-ups?

Before you get too excited, the doomsday scenario for Chelsea would likely require either Leicester taking 11 points from their remaining five games or Everton 12 from theirs. Even then, Bournemouth, West Ham United, Leeds United and Forest are at least a win behind Lampard’s inhibited team.

But since the season started in August there has been such volatility that events that feel years old actually took place fewer than nine months ago. Cristiano Ronaldo playing for Manchester United, Scott Parker managing a top-flight team, Spurs supporters feeling positive human emotions. A shock Chelsea relegation would be the perfect finale for the oddest season for a generation.